How Do We Deal With Child Discipline?

We Disciple

Child discipline is the way in which we try to mould our children's behaviour. The word discipline comes from the old verb to disciple, meaning to teach or train. Children need to learn about how to live within their family and community, but hopefully in a way that embraces their uniqueness.

Each Child Is An Individual

We so often have great problems with child discipline and I think that it is sometimes because we try to mould our children into mini versions of ourselves; not recognising that they are individuals in their own right. All children are unique: in their physical characteristics, in their personalities and in their approach to life, and if we try to suppress their innate characteristics , they will rebel, and rightly so. They have the right to become the person that they are meant to be. Sometimes we as mothers can use our children to meet our own needs, by pushing them in a certain direction because that's something we always wanted to do and never did. That is a dis-service to our children.

It's A Delicate Balance

I think there is a delicate balance to strike between teaching a child about the social norms and acceptable modes of behaviour, and honouring their own uniqueness. Your child may have a very different personality to you, but that doesn't make it bad. I think it would help to learn to be more accepting of all our differences, but at the same time, accept that we are all parts of a whole. We are all one at the energetic, spiritual level.

Accept Your Child's Different Characteristics

One way to look at it is this way: you wouldn't critisise your elbow for being boney and having wrinkly skin, because you recognise that that part has a function in the whole that is your body. In the same way we shouldn't critisise a child for being a lively bouncy, active type, for example, because society needs these kinds of people.

Multiple Intelligences

The concept of multiple intelligences was first described by Howard Gardner in 1983. He talked about there being many more than the two intelligences that are most commonly recognised, and tested in schools: literacy and numeracy. These intelligences are:

~Spatial - refers to spacial judgement and the ability to visualise things.

~Linguistic - spoken or written language

~Logical-mathematical - logic, reasoning and numbers.

~Kinesthetic - control of one's body and handling objects.

~Musical - sensitivity to sounds, rhythms, tones and music.

~Interpersonal - interaction with others.

~Intrapersonal - self-reflective capacities.

~Naturalist - nature, nurture and the natural surroundings.

There may be a perceived issue with child discipline, when really the only problem is that the child is just highly kinesthetic.

Some Behaviours Need Managing; Not Discipline

There may be many different characteristics that may make your life uncomfortable at times, but they should be managed, rather than squashed. I'm thinking of things like a need to explore something for ages before choosing to act, or wanting to ask hundreds of questions. These are things that can be frustrating for moms, but understanding will help the situation, not discipline.

Behaviours Which Hurt Others

Of course, there are some behaviours that are fairly universally considered unacceptable such as biting, kicking, hitting etc. These behaviours clearly need some child discipline! It has been my experience that these unwanted behaviours have two main causes:

1. The child is mimicking behaviour it regularly observes in important adults.

2. The child's needs are not being met and they are seeking attention the only way they know how.

Stopping Unwanted Behaviours

The best way to deal with unwanted behaviours is to deal with the root cause. So the first thing we must do is examine our own behaviour to see if we are exhibiting similar behaviour to that which we want to stop. Clearly if we are, we need to stop! Secondly we need to ensure that we are meeting all our child's needs: for emotional, social, intellectual, and physical needs, thereby reducing our child's need to seek attention.

Care For Your Own Wellbeing

Many of these child discipline measures are far easier to say than to do, so we need to increase our own energy and strength of character in order to have the personal resources to keep it up. Motherhood can be very taxing, so we need to "fill ourselves up" in order to be able to keep on giving to others.

The Most Important Thing

Really it all comes down to the central theme of this site, which is that to be the best mothers we can be, we need to attend to our own wellbeing FIRST. Our ability to nurture our children in the best way relies on us tending to our own needs. This will ensure that we have ample supplies of self confidence, patience and positivity which oil the wheels of motherhood.

I will be launching my life coaching business in September, with the aim of supporting divorced moms who are fed up with their stressed and unfulfilling lives and want to make some changes.