After Divorce Parenting

After divorce parenting can be very tricky, especially if the divorce was not particularly amicable. Experts agree that it is important to the child's wellbeing to continue their relationship with both parents.

I Did It All Wrong

The only reason I have any right at all to write about this subject is because I got after divorce parenting wrong, I made every mistake in the book! I really believed I was doing what was best for my children, but given how it all turned out I probably wasn't.

My divorce was acrimonious as my ex had been abusive to me (mostly psychological abuse) but didn't recognise his behaviour as such. We made an informal contact arrangement, but it was problematic from the start. My ex did not abide by arrangements made and often claimed his "rights", while not fulfilling his responsibilities.

Strange Behaviour

Over the next four and a half years my parents and I noted some strange sexualized behaviour in the boys including them wanting to touch us in between the legs, and other things too much to type here. We became increasingly concerned, and over that time made a couple of complaints to the police. The boys did not disclose anything untoward to the authorities, so nothing was done, but the behaviour continued.

Terrible Disclosure

It all came to a head when the boys came back from their Dad's having spent Christmas week there. My eldest was in a bad way emotionally, he appeared distraught about something, we didn't know what. The younger boy hand gestured something to my husband that caused him to be extremely concerned.

The Final Complaint

When my husband told me what my son had showed him I was beside myself, feeling sick and angry and very protective. I complained to the police again. Unfortunately neither boy made a clear disclosure to the police and social services considered the boys to be in an emotionally abusive situation. The abuse was that my ex and I couldn't get along!

The Court

Of course during this time my ex had only sporadic contact and so applied to the family court. During the process he also made an application for residency. He admitted at the time that he didn't really want residency, only contact. But when it came to the final hearing he got residency!

My Heartbreak

By this time I had moved to a new town 25 miles away and married my now husband Barry. My sons were 7 and 4 years old and my youngest started school just after the handover. I'm sad that I missed his first day at school. Being separated from my boys was like a bereavement only worse, because I thought that they were living with an abuser.

After Divorce Parenting

I now had to find a new way to be a mom, at the same time as caring for my new son (by Barry) and trying to deal with my severe emotional problems. I was in a bad way, and needed anti-depressants to help me sleep.

Long Distance Parenting

It was really hard to remain a "proper" mom at that distance, but I was determined to stay as involved in their lives as possible. After all, they still needed me as much as ever. I went to their school and asked to be sent all their newsletters and correspondence by post.

What I've Learned

I've learned a lot about after divorce parenting through my very painful experience, and have experienced the advantages and disadvantages of single parenting. I really want to help others avoid the mistakes I made. Here are my tips:

Take responsibility for your part in the situation; don't blame.

I was so focused on blaming my ex for everything that I was blind to the part I played. I should have paid attention to my parents and not married him in the first place! I didn't recognise his needs as being the cause of his behaviour, meeting them (or trying to) might have eased the situation. The upshot is By blaming him I gave him all my power and that was never going to solve anything.

Keep communication channels open.

Try to keep calm, patient and understanding when communicating with your ex. They are much more likely to be cooperative if you are being nice. Basically treat them as you would like them to treat you.

Don't critisise your ex, especially in front of the children.

Your criticism of your ex only serves to reinforce the bad image you have in your mind of them and therefore your feelings and behaviour towards them. The image will likely become a self-fulfilling prophesy, so think about the good in them. Focus on what originally drew you to them, it must be still there somewhere! It will help to get your mind into a better, more positive place.

Accept your children's love for and need of your ex.

Even if your ex's behaviour has been less than perfect, your kids will still love and need them. If you try and poison your children against them, you will likely be the one they'll reject further down the road.

Think about your actions; don't let your emotions rule you.

My downfall was acting from my emotions instead of using my head. A better plan is to think about your after divorce parenting, and plan it.

After divorce parenting is tricky, had I done these things I probably wouldn't be in the situation I am in today; my boys would still be living with me.

Take a look at these insights, tips and techniques to help with coping after divorce .